“It’s important you practice listening now.” I remind the kids as they position themselves for the meeting.
“We’re going to talk about something very serious. Every year we have this talk and today is this year’s time. We’re going to talk about bullying.”
“Before we talk about bullying, we need to understand what bullying is. So, what is the definition of bullying?” I asked the small group of swimmers.
“It’s when people are mean and make someone feel bad on purpose. And it’s a group.” A boy said.
“Great what else?”
One of the girls’ eyes went up and she raised her hand begging me to let her answer.
“It’s when it happens like all the time! It’s repetitive”
“Yes, the word repetitive is very important when talking about bullying because it makes the distinction between an argument and bullying.”
“What is the difference between an argument and bullying?” I asked.
When no one answered, I continued: “When we argue with someone because we don’t see things eye to eye, do we argue about it everyday or just once?”
The kids answered once and I could tell they understood how repetition was a key distinction to make.
“So, it’s not because someone you don’t particularly like says something you don’t agree with that this person is bullying you. Every body is entitled to their opinions. Arguing isn’t bad.”
I feel it’s important to emphasize with the children that arguing is part of the process of life and that not everybody has to agree with us, we’re all entitled to our own opinions.
“But if that same person, picks a fight with you almost everyday, on purpose, and uses other people to fight you with him/her, then it is not an argument anymore but bullying.”
Witnessing a bully situation.
In the next part I ask the kids to imagine they’re witnessing a bully situation and ask them to tell me how they can tell who is the bully, the bullied and the side-kicks.
The bully was quickly identified as the one with the big mouth that everyone is scared of. The bullied was identified as the one crying who feels and looks powerless. And the other people with the bully as the side-kicks. They’re usually afraid of the bully and will support the bully with their words and actions, like a team.”
“Although side-kicks look like they’re friends with the bully, are they really?” I asked.
They all answered no. They’re really clear on this.
“They hang out because they’re afraid their turn of being bullied is coming next. When side-kicks bully someone with the bully, they feel protected from being bullied themselves.” I repeated what they had just shared with me.
Children nodded in agreement.
“What do bullied people do when they’re being bullied?”
A kid said: “talk back!”
“Does that really help to talk back to the bully? Not really, it just serves to make things worse. So maybe there’s got to be something else to do.” I said encouraging more answers.
A boy said: “Fight!”
“That may help, but it may also make things much worse for your and/or the bully. Definitely not recommended.”
A few kids said: “Crying!”
“That doesn’t help either. When we cry, it’s like we’re giving away our power to the bully. And the bully feeds on this. It’s the same with fear, the more the bullied is scared, the more powerful the bully feels.”
A few more kids said: “We just got to ignore the bully.”
“Is it easy to ignore bullies when they’re coming at you?” I asked pointing out the great challenge in doing this.
“When they say in front of everyone things like,
-aha! You look ugly. You smell like my grandpa’s armpits! Loser!- is it easy to ignore them?”
Kids are laughing.
Immune to bullying
“Everyone knows, there are always two sides to a medal. As much as we can work with bullies and side-kicks to help them adjust their behaviors, we can also work with people to help them become immune to bullying.”
The children’s attention intensified when hearing that bullied people could become immune to bullying.
“Anyone here has ever been bullied?” I asked looking at them in the eyes.
Some of the children raised their hands and shared a few stories.
“I have been bullied too when I was your age.”
“You’ll never guess for what! It was my ears! The other children kept saying that my ears were like Dumbo’s. At first, I believed them and it was very hurtful to hear them say this to me all the time. I felt rejected because my ears would not stick to my head.”
“One day, arriving home, crying, telling my dad about the boys who bullied me, my dad just interrupted me and asked me to go look at my ears in the mirror for 5 minutes and that after he would continue hearing what I had to say. I didn’t understand why I had to do this, but I really had no choice but to obey.”
“In the bathroom, it didn’t take me 5 minutes to realize that my ears could not be any more perfect than they were. This realization instantly made the bullies liars and idiots who I couldn’t be bothered with anymore. And it dawned on me, that the only reason why it was so hurtful to be bullied, was because I had agreed with the bullies about my ears.”
“It’s really only when we agree with what the bullies are saying that it hurts. When we know bullies are simple liars and idiots, it doesn’t take long for them to leave us alone. You’re not going to be fun to bully.”
“The best way to be immune to bullying, is really to simply know who you are and be sure of it.”
Antonia earlier shared that she sometimes gets bullied by people calling her names because of her freckles.
“Do you agree with what they say about your freckles?” I asked Antonia.
She was very comfortable talking and even seemed to enjoy the spotlight.
“I don’t think they’re ugly anymore. But I used to.”
After a pause she continued: “I guess I’m immune now?” she asked turning her head sideway looking for confirmation.
“Exactly! Now, even if somebody tries to make you feel bad by poking fun at your freckles, it’s not going to work because you know your freckles are awesome!” I said smiling at her.
I took a pause, to make sure I had everyone’s full attention before starting the next part.
Any bullying in our group?
“Are you aware of any bullying going on in our group at the moment?” I asked with a tone filled with warmth and care to make the children feel safe and comfortable to share if something needed to come out.
No one had anything to report, which is great!
“So, what if one day you think there is, what would you do?” I asked to make sure everyone would know the procedures.
“Yes, the first thing is to talk to a coach. It doesn’t matter which one. If it’s at school same thing, it doesn’t matter which teacher, just tell someone.”
“What else?” I asked looking for more suggestions.
“If it’s happening in the changeroom, we can go to the pool deck. The bully will not do it on deck.” One of the girls said.
“That’s a great idea! And I think very effective too. If you move to a place where there are more people, it will deter bullies and give you time to talk to an adult.”
Seeing their attention was vanishing and considering that we had covered of lot of ground in the talk, it was time to send them home.
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