Kevin was a young boy of 9 years old, full of enthusiasm and energy. He had recently started swimming because his parents had been advised by their doctor that sports would help Kevin spend his extra energy and might even help him with his case of ADHD.
One evening after practice, as I was getting ready to hop on my scooter to go home, I saw Kevin walk out of the building running as his dad followed behind.
As they approached, I noticed Kevin was eating a bag of chips. I also noticed his dad had noticed I had noticed!
“Hi Kevin, is this your champion’s supper?” I said pointing out the poor choice.
*We actually recently had a talk with the swimmers about the best foods they could have after practice.
Kevin giggled and didn’t seem like he cared at all.
However, his dad replied: “Yes, coach, tell him not to eat chips, that it’s bad for his health.” Trying to get me to support him in educating his son.
He added pleadingly: “His mom and I have tried but he just won’t listen.”
As I was assessing the situation, I wondered how Kevin had been able to procure himself a bag of chips. Who had bought it for him?
I did not confront the dad and played his game, but if I did it might have gone something like this:
“I wonder how Kevin got his bag of chips?” I asked with undeniable curiosity.
The dad feeling caught answered: “It’s not easy with him. When he wants something, it’s hard to say no. He just won’t let it go, you know?”
Kevin had moved aside and was playing with some of the swimmers waiting for their parents to pick them up.
His dad had moved closer and looked like he was open to a straight talk.
“I understand it isn’t always easy to say no to our children. They can be little brats at times. Crying, screaming, pouting, nagging, are some of their favorite manipulation techniques to get what they want from us. What’s Kevin favorite strategy to get what he wants from you and your wife?” I asked him with genuine interest.
“He screams and nags.” He answered right away.
“And how does it make you feel when he does this?”
He didn’t expect me to ask this but he gave it some thoughts before answering.
“You know, come to think of it, I feel embarrassed. I believe if other parents saw such a situation, they would label me as a “bad” father who can’t control his kid.” As he was saying this, I could see his face lighting up, as if it was the first time, he had this realization.
After a longer than usual pause, I said: “Is it not crazy how this works? It is by trying to appear as “good parents”, that we turn into the kind of parents we don’t want to be. It’s just so weird how it works.”
He was not saying anything and was obliviously engaged in processing what was transpiring between us.
As I restarted getting ready to leave, I said: “As long as you keep buying the bag of chips, it won’t matter much what I say to him. If you were to bring a bag of veggies or a fruit, and gave it to him when he asks for chips after practice, you might have a shot at him eating better. He’s probably not going to like it and might force you to decide what is more important to you, feeling embarrassed and acting on your convictions or being seen as a good parent and selling yourself short.”
“Kevin will learn more from your choice than anything you can ever say to him.”
The dad was really thankful and felt like he had much to think about and discuss with his wife. We left both feeling like something valuable had happened between us.
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